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Friday, February 4th, 2005
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4:45 pm - Thoughtful
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Now that I'm finally of age, I find that my life has turned out quite differently from what I had imagined it to be. So much has happened in that last year, and not all of it was good...
Actually most of the bigger events in my life weren't good at all, but I'm happy now regardless of all that since I have a wonderful new family, and the most wonderful lover in all Gondolin. I just wish I could have him around and protect him every minute of the day.
The only disappointment recently was that my father chose to rejoin the House of the Golden Flower. I wonder if I should give Lord Glorfindel back the deed for that house he has given me...I don't exactly feel like I deserve it now that I won't be working for him after all...
current mood:  thoughtful
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| Wednesday, October 27th, 2004
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1:09 pm - No more sex
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I've been talking with Fal about that conversation I had with Elentirmo, and that we are not supposed to have sex again before I'm of age.
He said he's ok with it, but I guess he has already forgotten about his promise not to try to seduce me by now.
He's such a peanut brain in such matters...anything but sex and sailing actually ( and '_no_ sex' definitely doesn't count as either of those).
I don't mind though, it just means I'll have to remind him constantly.
And apart from his peanut brain he's the most wonderful lover I could wish for...he's cute, sexy, loving and just loveable in general, and what's even more important: he has a good heart, and would never deliberately be mean, and hurt people.
I'm still wondering what Tuilo might have see that day...and why he had to peek in through our window in the first place.
Has nobody told him, that you don't peek in other people's rooms through windows?
Whatever Elentirmo might think now: we were not indiscrete at all. We had locked the door after all, and who would have thought somebody would spy on us through the window?
In fact, Tuilo should not even be able to do so, since the window's pretty high, and he's not yet tall enough to just peek in.
Maybe I shouldn't let him win in our sparring matches anymore, so he'll be more busy practicing, and doesn't have time to spy on people any more!
Whatever...I hope time will pass pretty quickly, because being underaged really sucks!!
current mood:  discontent
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| Thursday, October 7th, 2004
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9:23 pm - Finally happy
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My life is nothing but wonderful since Fal came back.
Everything seems so much better when you're not alone.
And this time I'm not going to be so stupid, and let him go again.
And I'll do anything to make sure he never ever wants to leave me again.
In other news, winter is drawing near. A hard winter they say, but it's also the winter when I'll finally come of age! I hope that will make my life a bit less complicated though I'm not sure if Lord Glorfindel will still want me to become his esquire now that I'm with Fal again...
But I can worry about such things another time, I'm too happy to really worry about anything anyway.
Love really is a wonderful thing (not to mention the sex! :D )
current mood:  happy
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| Thursday, September 16th, 2004
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4:08 am - What to do now?
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I tried talking to Elthalion about my problem, but he's not been very helpful...
Actually he doesn't know that much about girls, and somehow I doubt Elentirmo will be more helpful... :-/
Right now I wish I knew a girl whom I could ask, but I heard Tiri is having her own problems, and certainly wouldn't have time to help me now.
I'm not sure what to do, but I'll keep avoiding that girl, and hope that she'll find out on her own that I don't really like girls...
current mood:  stressed
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| Saturday, September 11th, 2004
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11:59 pm
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It seems Ellen has won another heart: Tuilo, the son of the new Captain of the King's Guards. A nice boy, and very talented at sword fighting. If he goes on like that, he'll soon enough beat me for real. (And he'll slay all the evil dragons that threaten Ellen's bunnies, I'm sure.)
And it is good to see that he has a father who actually cares for him...and now also lots of new friends.
The day-care center in addition to the orphanage really was a wonderful idea, and will hopefully help many children and parents as well, and it makes me happy that I'm able to have a part in all this.
There is one thing that worries me though: one of the older girls in the orphanage. She keeps staring and smiling at me. And whenever I talk with her, she giggles nervously. Very annoying... I try to avoid her whenever possible, but she always seems to turn up wherever I go...
I should ask Elthalion or Elentirmo what to do about this problem without making her too unhappy...
current mood:  worried
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| Tuesday, August 31st, 2004
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9:34 pm - Alone and not alone...
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It's strange...all the people who love me..the children...Elentirmo and Elthalion..and still I feel so alone.
What is wrong with me?
There are people who love me and really care for me, but still it feels like I'm all alone...
Maybe it's just the fact that I don't have any control over my life yet.
If the Prince thinks I might be spending too much time in the orphanage, he could very well forbid me to do so.
Or maybe it's the fact that everybody else seems to be in some kind of relationship while I am not...
Actually, though I have no reason to complain, and I finally feel like part of a family, I am still lonely...and not really sure what I have to expect from the future.
And what if my father's worst speculations come true, and Morgoth is just waiting for the opportune moment to attack?
Why can't I just be able to enjoy what I have now and not fear the future or the lonely nights?
current mood:  restless
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| Thursday, August 12th, 2004
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4:43 am - The well-diggers have returned
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I'm somewhat glad that my father is back in the city now.
Dealing with my mother has become increasingly difficult. She still treats me like a little child, and pretends everything is still like it has been before I moved out. Why can't she just accept that things have changed?
And why does she have to make such a fuss about me anyway?
It's as if she thinks she has to make up for my father's indifference by being overprotective. *sigh*
However, the few days with my mother have reassured me that moving out was the best thing I could do.
After leaving my mother, I returned to my room in the palace.
I feel too depressed to go to the orphanage right now.
That's not exactly the way I should be feeling after seeing my mother, but I can't help it.
I guess these feelings will pass as soon as I'm back with my family of choice, but for now I'm feeling terribly sad and lonely.
And I think for now, I'll just stay here, curled up on my bed, and just feel miserable until I fall asleep.
current mood:  lonely
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| Sunday, August 1st, 2004
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10:00 am - Some time with my mother...
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I've heard my father has been assigned to the well-digging project of the House of the Mole. Of course he couldn't just go and do his duty, but had to almost get himself in real trouble by making a fuss about it and trying to refuse at first.
Fortunately Lord Tuor finally got through to him, and so he's away now for a few days, digging or doing whatever Aranwe tells him to do (or so I hope).
Lord Tuor has sent a healer to care for my mother while he's away, but I have decided to also take care of her in my free time. I have already told Elthalion I wouldn't come to the orphanage for a few days.
I'm already missing it though..especially Ellen and the other children.
But it will be good to have some time with my mother again. I've only seen her every now and then on the market place. I suspect she's only going there to see me since she's not really in the condition to go shopping any more, and she'll be happy to have me at home again, even if only for a few days.
I don't know if my father has told her anything, but she never asks why I don't come to visit her, and she never mentions my father. He has either told her, or she's just guessing. Whatever it is, I hope she won't ask me anything...
current mood:  contemplative
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| Saturday, July 17th, 2004
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9:25 pm - A life so changed
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| Sunday, June 27th, 2004
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3:48 pm - The Silence of the Fountains
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Some say the silence of the fountains is worst for those who have seen the sea, but it's just as bad for me.
I have never thought about it but the sweet music of the waters has accompanied me all my life.
Now the silence seems louder than anything I've ever felt.
I hope mother and the baby are okay...
current mood:  distressed
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| Thursday, June 17th, 2004
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1:01 am - Stupid!!
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Though the Prince has many errands to run for me, I find this job pretty boring...*sigh*
Like Lord Glorfindel suggested, I kept from asking about a pet, and read all the books he sent me.
I still fell lonely though, and sometimes even wish my father would come to talk to me again. But only when I'm _really_ feeling lonely...
At other times I'm glad that he obviously doesn't care about me. I'm almost of age after all. I don't need him anymore.
Actually, I'll be glad if you just leave me alone, father!! I don't need you to make my life miserable!
current mood:  depressed
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| Thursday, May 27th, 2004
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9:29 pm - Alone
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Midsummer is approaching, and still no sign from my father. As if he’d never had a son, as if I had never existed for him.
Of course I’m not really surprised…knowing my father, I more or less expected it to be like that, though a little (stupid) part of me was always hoping he would at least send me a letter, or otherwise acknowledge me just to let me know that he hasn’t completely banished me from his mind and life...but obviously he has.
I met my mother on the market place some days after the argument, and since father obviously hadn’t told her what had happened, I didn’t tell her either. I only told her that I’d be too busy with the preparations for the Midsummer celebrations to visit her, which is not a lie after all. Everybody is quite excited about Prince Argon’s big day. I’m still hoping I won’t have to attend the festivities. I don’t really feel like celebrating, and I doubt I will until then.
Maybe I should get myself a pet? It would be nice to have company in the evenings, and something to take care of. I would have to ask Prince Argon first though, and I’m not sure if he’d allow it, but maybe if I’ll ask him at Midsummer he’ll be in a too good mood to refuse my request...
current mood: lonely
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| Thursday, May 20th, 2004
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7:40 pm - I have lost my father...
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He made it quite clear that he doesn’t care about me or anything I say. His pride and stubborness obviously mean more to him than his own son.
I don’t know why I expected anything else. I should have known that he would not listen to me.
Maybe one of his friends would have more success talking to him, but I am only his son. The reason for most of his problems...and my mother’s illness. I must have been stupid to think I’d mean any more to him than that.
He never noticed me before he heard that I wanted to join the House of the Mole. Surely his dislike for Lord Maeglin was the only reason for his sudden desire to make up with me. And I wonder now, if my mother not only loved me overly much because she knew my father doesn’t love me.
I wish I could hate him for not loving me, but it only makes me sad. I still remember how happy I was as a child whenever he managed to find some time for me. And how much I always wanted to be just like him when I grew up. Because I loved him.
And I still do, but it’s clear that he doesn’t care about it.
And he won’t care if I never come back. He surely only put up with me at all because of mother.
I guess that leaves me alone again... as usual. With nobody who really cares what I do. Not even mother as she is too occupied with her unborn child and my father to really care about anything else.
And as usual, I’ll somehow manage to go on...
current mood: hopeless
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| Sunday, April 11th, 2004
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6:40 pm - Thinking
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Now I finally had time to think over my situation, and everything that has happened….and of course everything Lord Glorfindel told me.
First I think I will wait to talk to my parents until they have managed to sort out their own problems. I have enough problems of my own without getting involved in theirs again.
And while waiting for that, I can try to prove that I’m not just a useless, whining idiot by working hard and for once not causing any trouble (though I never intended to cause all this trouble in the first place).
I guess I disappointed Lord Maeglin by more or less defending Lord Glorfindel. Even more so since he was punished again for doing what he thought was right. I can only hope I will not disappoint Prince Argon (didn’t even know he existed before this and now work for him...how very strange) and Lord Glorfindel (whyever he did what he did, I will never understand. He must care very much for his people, if he risks so much to help them.)
So, tomorrow I’ll get out of bed then, and start my service for the Prince…
current mood: thoughtful
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| Thursday, March 25th, 2004
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11:53 pm - Alone again...
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It hurts, but I think, it was the right thing to do… He’ll be happier without me.
I don’t know how to go on without him, but I guess, somehow life will go on…
And I’ve been alone most of my life anyway, so I should be used to it by now.
And I’ve at least once been really happy in my life.
Maybe there is no more to expect for me…
current mood:  crushed
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| Sunday, March 21st, 2004
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10:28 pm
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Why can’t all those people just leave me alone?
One moment they love me, the next they hate me, then love me again.
Do they think I have no feelings at all?
That all this does not hurt me?
I really can’t take this anymore.
current mood: crushed
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| Wednesday, March 17th, 2004
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8:50 pm
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So, my father fought with Lord Maeglin again. This time it was even worse, and had some very unpleasant consequences for both of them. No doubt it was about me again though. Why else would my father attack Lord Maeglin?
Though he has always hated him, he never would have done anything more but ignoring him, had I not chosen to join the House of the Mole.
I wonder why Maeglin still keeps me in his house when I am obviously nothing but trouble to him.
And at least some of the other moles seem to blame me for all this. They throw me very unfriendly looks, whenever I see them, and I know they are talking about me. I fear what they might do to me, when Lord Maeglin isn’t there to keep them under control…
Why does everything in my life seem to go so very wrong suddenly?
Fal, I miss you….
current mood: depressed
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| Wednesday, March 10th, 2004
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10:34 pm - Fal left me...
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Now I’m alone again. I should have known that he’d always choose Malvegil over me. He said he’d come back to me someday though, but what if he doesn’t? And if he did, how long would I have to wait for him? Or did he only say that to comfort me? That wouldn’t surprise me at all.
It’s actually quite understandable though: Not even my mother loves me anymore, so why should anybody else love me?
It’s strange: I always wanted to be a mole, and now that I am I wish I had chosen any other house but this. Because being here means seeing them and thus always being reminded of what happened. I don’t know how I will ever get over him this way.
But maybe it’s just right to be here, so I will never forget , and never make such a mistake again. If I don’t let anyone get too close to me, then I’ll not get hurt again.
I should have never let it happen in the first place, that he means so much to me, and I won’t ever let it happen again with anyone.
And I will not hope for him to come back to me…
current mood:  rejected
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| Friday, March 5th, 2004
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4:28 pm - Confusion
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What has happened to my life? I only wanted to get away from my parents, and join the House of the Mole. Falling in love was definitely none of my plans! But still, here I am: in love with Falathar of all people. I wish I could be really happy about it, but I just know that he will leave me. He thinks I don’t know, but I saw him come back today with his bag. Which means he had already left me…And I couldn’t even be mad at him if he did. I wonder why he came back though...
I also saw my mother taking the bouquet she had given me. Guess, she must be very angry to do that. But I won’t think of that now. I don’t want to! I only want to be happy! At least for a little while…
current mood:  confused
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| Friday, February 13th, 2004
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5:53 pm - What now?
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I have spend the last days and nights with friends or alone, but I did not dare to go home (and I told no one what happened).
After all it is no longer my home after father told me to leave and never return.
I wonder how mother’s doing, and if father is taking good care of her.
Surely she’s worried about me, but I cannot go back.
Not after all the things that happened…
Though maybe I could visit mother when father’s not home.
Just to assure her that I’m fine.
I will have to wait until he leaves, but I guess I owe her that much…
current mood: depressed
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